“How do I tone my arms, not bulk up too much, I’m 62, women?”

Sometimes I get search terms that inspire me instead of killing my hopes for the human race, and this is one of them! How do you tone your arms and not bulk up too much, 62-year-old woman? Or any woman, for that matter? Here are The Simple And Easy Ten-Step Directions:

1. Strike the word “tone” from your vocabulary. There is no “tone.” There is only muscle gain and fat loss. You cannot “tone” a muscle without increasing its size, e.g., adding bulk. Lose your fear of size by recognizing that this fear is culturally created by a jillion dollars’ worth of advertising dedicated to ensmallening women in every possible way.

2. Understand that muscle is hard to build. The biggest men you see at the gym have to fight for every ounce of muscle they gain; the biggest women you see fight twice as hard. After the age of 30, the average woman loses a half-pound of muscle per year. See where this is headed?

3. Realize that the kind of female “bulk” you’re probably thinking of — eye-popping, striated mass — is the result of anabolic steroids.

4. Do not take anabolic steroids.

5. Invite your muscles to increase in size by eating at least one gram of lean protein per pound of body weight per day, in addition to piles of colorful vegetables and a judicious amount of complex carbohydrates.

6. Processed foods and things in crinkly bags must not be chewed, but eschewed. Dumping the junk, combined with exercise and sufficient rest/recovery, will result in fat loss, thereby making your muscles more visible.

7. Accept your genetics. You know how, say, Siamese cats tend to have parents who were themselves Siamese cats? We’re no different. Look at your parents. These are your physical ingredients. Bake with these ingredients what you can. If you are a lemon bar, stop wishing you were an oatmeal cookie or whatever. Be the best lemon bar you can be.

8. Un-invest the word “bulk” with negativity. De-program yourself. Say the word “bulk” out loud to yourself 100 times; more if needed, until it loses all meaning and becomes a mere dull thud of a sound. Bulk bulk bulk bulk bulk bulk bulk bulk bulk bulk. See?

9. Lift something heavy. Put it down.

10. Lift it again.