Dear Sperm Donor #2882,

I’ve taken to calling you “Andrew.” I don’t have any particular attachment to the name, which is why I chose it. “Andrew” is a friendly blank slate; the flavor-absorbing tofu of names. I can project anything onto an “Andrew.”

I know only a few things about you. You weigh 150 pounds and stand 5’9″ inches tall (a fact that made my dad lobby for Donor #1794, who’s 6’3″*). Dad is 5’6″ and says short guys have problems, but I consider your height a plus. The tall donors get snapped up fast, but really, must everyone be a hulking giant? I’m 5’2″ with the shortest torso you’ve ever seen outside The Learning Channel, so I don’t want a 9-pound, 22-inch-long baby. I’d prefer a 6-pound, 19-incher, even if I get a boy, which I probably would. (Most lesbians seem to have boys, whether because the XY’s thaw out first or because of our extra testosterone? Is that a thing?) Anyway, in your profile here you make a little joke about your height that shows me you’re comfortable with it. You make a few jokes, actually, and they’re not the lame ones the other donors make. The minute I see the phrase “but hey, that’s just me lol” or “baby batter,”** I stop reading. Ditto for guys who list “hunting and fishing” in the Interests and Hobbies section. I’m looking for gentleness here. I’m looking for empathy. I also avoid any profile in which the clinic staff calls the donor “charming,” because “charming’ has a sinister subtext. Charm is often premeditated; a strategy designed to get something from someone else. Charm is overrated.

What else. You have blue eyes. Which is…whatever. I’m not fussed about eyes as long as the baby can see; besides which, my brown eyes will kick your blue eyes’ asses. Gregor Mendel says so. I like the idea of two different-colored eyes, but the only donor who has those is blonde, and a blonde or bald baby wouldn’t seem like mine even if I saw it come out of my vagina with my own eyes. It would feel too Aryan and Luftwaffe-y. A fat baby would be just as odd. The babies in my family are lean and brunette, with long fingers and toes. It’s not like I wouldn’t love a fat baby, but since I have a choice — and I do; it’s one of the graces allowed a woman in my situation — compact and brunette it is. The Scandinavian guys don’t need any help. Everyone else loves their lanky Nordic asses.

You’re a working, touring musician. What a badass, Andrew. And it’s how I’m sure you’re not a sociopath or a narcissist who’s donating sperm to spread his genes — you need the money and you’re the laid-back sort. I’ve dated musicians, so I’m familiar with the type (it’s entirely possible I had sex with you for free sometime between 2002-2009;  the whole period is fuzzy and there were a lot of folk festivals in there).

You have a wacky, 21st century genetic mix — Scottish/Welsh/Irish/French and 1/16 African-American. The face of the future!

You believe in God. Oddly, I’ve been rejecting atheists and agnostics out of hand. I want my child to have some capacity for faith. (Jewish would be fine, but do you have any idea how fast these sperm banks run out of sons of Abraham? They can’t keep Jews on the shelf).

You’re a Gemini. Which is, I guess, auspicious for twins if I believed that sort of thing. Twins would be an adventure: Two for the price of one and all that.  Speaking of which, I clicked on “Add To Cart” just to see how it would feel to have $1170-worth of you in there. It feels as right as I thought it would.

Andrew, know that even though I’m not 100% ready, you’re my top choice; the standard against which all other sperm is (are?) measured. I’ve seen a hundred of these profiles, but no one has come (heh) even close to you. Thanks for doing this. I wonder where you live; what you’re up to tonight; what the clinic is paying you. I hope you’re making enough to buy a kickass guitar, keyboard, piccolo, et. al. Have a good tour. Eat lots of zinc and stay off the weed, man. God, I hope you’re not a drummer.

Love,

Phonaesthetica

 

*#1794 is a filmmaking Rollerblader with an MFA; cool, but he’s also “anonymous” rather than “willing to be known.”

**God, I wish I were making this up.

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9 thoughts on “Dear Sperm Donor #2882,

  1. My unsolicited advice because I’ve been there, done that:

    Don’t do it. But if you do, choose the completely anonymous donor who wants zero to do with you and your child.

    Also, you better start believing in something from which you can exchange every karma point you have past, present and future to have a chance of producing a girl.

  2. Sorry for the late reply 🙂 Been busy…

    It wasn’t terribly easy for us (Chonky and me) because it was 1998 and we were living in the South. Luckily it was a major metro area and we had access to a (lesbian) feminist-driven clinic that had a *fertility* program. I was the birthing parent. We bought our washed “samples” from an associated, national bank. We were incredibly lucky, dollars-wise and sample-wise, that I was about a fecund as they come and the conception only took two rounds and not the usual average of nine; there were exactly two viable samples remaining from the donor we had chosen. We had decided that if those two didn’t work that we would not continue.

    The sample was inserted past my cervix (I forget the tech term for that…) and I was pregnant on the second and last try. The Kid is 12 now and just returned from YMCA Leadership Camp.

    If you have a moments doubt about raising a boy and being bound to a male in the most intense way possible for the rest of your natural life, stop now. If you’d like to hear exactly why I say that just say the word.

  3. Preimplantation genetic haplotyping is a diagnostic method that determines the genetic makeup of embryos, including the sex, but it’s expensive, and “controversial” (not all embryos are used post-diagnosis, gasp — some poor women might use it to *not* be forced by chance to have a baby with a terminal childhood disease). Does anyone here know anything about it? I just found out it existed.

  4. I haven’t taken to calling him Andrew, but I’ve been using 2882 to try and get pregnant! I’ve tried twice and it didn’t work- I’m hoping the third time is the charm. :). I’ve thought a lot of the same things you have; I was surprised when he said he was Mennonite, but oddly impressed/amused/happy about that. He seems genuine and positive and at ease-all things I want my future kid to be. 🙂

  5. Today I got his lifetime photos. He was blonde as a kid and is the kind of hipster musician type that I’d totally date if I met and had the opportunity. 😉 I take that as a good sign. 🙂

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