I’ve taken to calling you “Andrew.” I don’t have any particular attachment to the name, which is why I chose it. “Andrew” is a friendly blank slate; the flavor-absorbing tofu of names. I can project anything onto an “Andrew.”
I know only a few things about you. You weigh 150 pounds and stand 5’9″ inches tall (a fact that made my dad lobby for Donor #1794, who’s 6’3″*). Dad is 5’6″ and says short guys have problems, but I consider your height a plus. The tall donors get snapped up fast, but really, must everyone be a hulking giant? I’m 5’2″ with the shortest torso you’ve ever seen outside The Learning Channel, so I don’t want a 9-pound, 22-inch-long baby. I’d prefer a 6-pound, 19-incher, even if I get a boy, which I probably would. (Most lesbians seem to have boys, whether because the XY’s thaw out first or because of our extra testosterone? Is that a thing?) Anyway, in your profile here you make a little joke about your height that shows me you’re comfortable with it. You make a few jokes, actually, and they’re not the lame ones the other donors make. The minute I see the phrase “but hey, that’s just me lol” or “baby batter,”** I stop reading. Ditto for guys who list “hunting and fishing” in the Interests and Hobbies section. I’m looking for gentleness here. I’m looking for empathy. I also avoid any profile in which the clinic staff calls the donor “charming,” because “charming’ has a sinister subtext. Charm is often premeditated; a strategy designed to get something from someone else. Charm is overrated.
What else. You have blue eyes. Which is…whatever. I’m not fussed about eyes as long as the baby can see; besides which, my brown eyes will kick your blue eyes’ asses. Gregor Mendel says so. I like the idea of two different-colored eyes, but the only donor who has those is blonde, and a blonde or bald baby wouldn’t seem like mine even if I saw it come out of my vagina with my own eyes. It would feel too Aryan and Luftwaffe-y. A fat baby would be just as odd. The babies in my family are lean and brunette, with long fingers and toes. It’s not like I wouldn’t love a fat baby, but since I have a choice — and I do; it’s one of the graces allowed a woman in my situation — compact and brunette it is. The Scandinavian guys don’t need any help. Everyone else loves their lanky Nordic asses.
You’re a working, touring musician. What a badass, Andrew. And it’s how I’m sure you’re not a sociopath or a narcissist who’s donating sperm to spread his genes — you need the money and you’re the laid-back sort. I’ve dated musicians, so I’m familiar with the type (it’s entirely possible I had sex with you for free sometime between 2002-2009; the whole period is fuzzy and there were a lot of folk festivals in there).
You have a wacky, 21st century genetic mix — Scottish/Welsh/Irish/French and 1/16 African-American. The face of the future!
You believe in God. Oddly, I’ve been rejecting atheists and agnostics out of hand. I want my child to have some capacity for faith. (Jewish would be fine, but do you have any idea how fast these sperm banks run out of sons of Abraham? They can’t keep Jews on the shelf).
You’re a Gemini. Which is, I guess, auspicious for twins if I believed that sort of thing. Twins would be an adventure: Two for the price of one and all that. Speaking of which, I clicked on “Add To Cart” just to see how it would feel to have $1170-worth of you in there. It feels as right as I thought it would.
Andrew, know that even though I’m not 100% ready, you’re my top choice; the standard against which all other sperm is (are?) measured. I’ve seen a hundred of these profiles, but no one has come (heh) even close to you. Thanks for doing this. I wonder where you live; what you’re up to tonight; what the clinic is paying you. I hope you’re making enough to buy a kickass guitar, keyboard, piccolo, et. al. Have a good tour. Eat lots of zinc and stay off the weed, man. God, I hope you’re not a drummer.
*#1794 is a filmmaking Rollerblader with an MFA; cool, but he’s also “anonymous” rather than “willing to be known.”
**God, I wish I were making this up.