My favorite part of any test is the matching section. Remember the matching section, from high school? It usually comes after the multiple-choice and fill-in-the-blank, but before the essays. I got bored writing the Macbeth final, so:

Nicknames Of A Dozen of My Lovers From 2006-2010

Please match the following nicknames with their owners:

1. Cluster B

2. Camp 14

3. Unobtainium 

4. The Big-Footed Mindfucker

5. Hathor

6. Temple Recommend

7. The Rosetta Stoner

8. Recyclopath

9. The Process Server

10. Add To Cart

11. 404

12. Eva Braun

***

a. Like the Cake song, she was never ever there.

b. Spoke three languages; needed to smoke pot every morning to stay within commuting distance of her sanity.

c. Recovering Mormon. Have you ever tried to sex someone wearing sacred underwear?

d. Meticulously documented in your old Abnormal Psych textbook from college.

e. Trial attorney with a lot of feelings.

f. Anarcho-environmentalist who wouldn’t let me flush the toilet at her house.

g. description redacted

h. Amazon Warrior. Also Overstock.com.

i. MTF WTF transwoman who loved me but didn’t but did but maybe was into men after all but  maybe not.

j. Married blacksmith

k. “Feet off the couch. That’s MY black shirt. Who was that text from? Where have you been? You tracked snow all over the entryway. We’re going to stop eating meat.”

l. For months, people told me I’d be sorry. I was.