Dear Women’s Studies Ph.D program,

Please consider my doctoral application. I will bring many strengths to the department, especially  a rapacious narrative hunger    general badassery   $30,000 worth of student loan debt  a curious and well-rounded intellect, shaped by years of real-life experience as well as theory. One time I had sex with Noel Coward‘s great-granddaughter. While I haven’t earned any university-level Women’s Studies credits, I’ve read enough feminist theory to fake my way through a University of Toronto Women’s Studies party where I made out with two women in the backyard know that I’m ready to begin graduate studies.

I love women! and vaginas!  I have lived as an out lesbian in a midsize Arizona city; a small California town; a South Carolina suburb; and a Canadian metropolis. I’ve traveled to Eastern and Western Europe, Asia, and Africa, where I discovered more and more about women’s lives around the world. I’ve worked as a writer, a teacher, a nanny, a nightclub bouncer, a boutique manager, where I sold the bejesus out of tiny purses shaped like dachsund heads a Pillow Fight League referee, and a hospice worker. I applied for a job at a “queer-friendly” sex store but didn’t get it because I blanched when they told me to say “front hole” instead of “vagina” when selling dildos to transmen.

While I do not have the traditional academic background of most Ph.D. candidates, I can think creatively and critically; string together   go all Gollum on  land the mothership of funk write a coherent sentence; and commit full-time to the program. I’m cool with another $30,000 in student loan debt; what are they going to do, execute me if I default? I hope to contribute something substantive and lasting to women’s lives and to the great tradition of feminist scholarship. My areas of interest include women and weight training; feminist pedagogy at the secondary level; and the significance of online feminist communities.

Please please please,

Sincerely,

Phonaesthetica

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10 thoughts on “Dear Women’s Studies Ph.D program,

  1. “Oh Mr. Selack, can I have my job back…” A song by the incomparable singing group “The Roaches” — three sisters, on YouTube…please please please reminded me of them, and this beloved early 80s song.

    Life gets hard, what with all the sexual preditors and harassers running for president and running football big university programs in Pennsylvania… so I go to this blog, knowing that every day in every way lesbian life is better!!! The clever writing, the good company…
    And trust me, $30,000 is nothing in terms of money…. think with Amazon creativity….

  2. I’m cool with another $30,000 in student loan debt; what are they going to do, execute me if I default?

    Uh..actually with what is happening to the economy in this country, what I like to call economic cleansing you might well be looking at the death penalty for defaulting on a student loan if you don’t happen to come from a family in the 1%.

  3. actually maybe you should leave the part about front-hole in, as a test. if they feel your pain, they are still “womens studies” and if they find it transphobic that you blanched at “front hole”, they are “gender studies” and just havent changed their name yet. might be good info to have, and might save you some $, even if you never know why they rejected you.

  4. Well, execution may still be a way’s off, but debtor’s prisons might still exist . . . based on my experiences with the holders of my $160ishK in student debt. Good luck!

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