Dear Parents Who Bring Young Children to the CrossFit Gym,

Don’t.

See all the big, heavy hand weights; the big, heavy barbells; the big, heavy people using them?

not for kids!

Your children don’t belong in this picture. I know they want to swing on the pull-up rings (the perfect size to stick their necks into); climb the ropes with no mats underneath; hop on top of the tall wooden boxes with sharp corners; and hide inside the 260-pound tractor tires, but they shouldn’t. 

The gym owners don’t want to tell you this (you might stay home rather than get a sitter for your hourlong workout) but the gym owners are unwise. If one of your kids drops a kettlebell on herself, you’ll sue the living hell out of our affiliate — never mind that you weren’t watching the kid and that we are NOT a babysitting service. Single men are in and out of here all the time. You don’t know them. Do I have to paint you a picture?

CrossFit gyms are not like Curves for Women. We get hurt. You understand? We get hurt. That bloodstain on the middle lifting platform is no joke. Our gym is full of serious equipment and serious weightlifters, who need adequate floor space in order to work out safely. They shouldn’t have to check around that space to make sure one of your kids isn’t underfoot. They shouldn’t have to choose between dropping a 300-pound barbell on themselves or on your kid.

See? No kids here!

Sincerely,

Phonaesthetica